How friends and families can help

It may not be easy to accept the fact that someone you care about self-harms or to understand why they do it. There are things you can do to help, such as;

• Listening 
• Offering to go with them to tell someone 
• Offering to tell someone for them 
• Encouraging them to get professional help 
• Finding information for them 
• Offering to go with them to an appointment with a health professional or counsellor.

If you want to support someone

• Remember that they are extremely distressed and that self-harm may be the only way they have of communicating their feelings
• Allowing them to talk about how they feel is probably the most important thing you can do for them. Just feeling that someone is listening and that they are finally being heard can really help. Good listening is a skill. Always let the person finish what they are saying and, while they are talking, try not to be thinking of the next thing you are going to say
• Be clear and honest about your feelings. Explain that their behaviour upsets you but that you understand it helps them to cope
• Take them seriously and respect their feelings. Don't tease them or call them 'mad' or 'mental'
• Don't blame them for hurting themselves. Try to avoid being critical even if you feel shocked by what they are saying. This may make them feel even more alone and prevent them talking to anyone else
• Don't ask them to promise never to self-harm again. They may well do it again and then feel guilty about breaking their promises.

If you're a friend...

"If you're a friend helping someone through this, it must be hard for you to understand why, but if you are just there to listen and offer help or a friendly hug now and again it can make a huge difference."

Looking after yourself

By being there for someone who self-harms you may help them hurt themselves less. But it's also important to make sure that you look after yourself as well.

• Supporting someone can be difficult and upsetting so it may be helpful to set limits on the amount of time you spend talking with them about their self-harm
• Accept the fact that you can't always be there for them when they feel the need to self-harm
• You're not responsible for the fact that they hurt themselves
• Find someone you can talk to openly so that you have support as well. You can express your frustration or anger to them rather than to the person who self-harms
• Be honest about your limits. If supporting the person becomes too much of a burden it may permanently damage your relationship with them.

If you don't feel able to talk to them about their self-harm

• It's best to be honest about this, both with them and yourself. It doesn't mean you don't love them or care about them
• Try not to express your feelings about their self-harming in an angry way as this is likely to make the situation worse
• Consider helping in some other way such as finding information for them or helping them find an counsellor, support group or organisation
• Don't try to force this assistance on them if they don't feel ready to stop.
  

She's been great

"I’m a 15 year old girl currently working for her GCSEs. Last September the pressure became so great on me that I started to cut my wrists. After 4 months I told my friend E and with her help I’m starting to get over it. It has been tough, I won’t lie about it, and many times I’ve wanted to just give in and hurt myself. Sometimes I do, and I loose control, I had a relapse last week. However, I will see it through because I hate doing it. E’s been great, she’s always there when I need her.

I’d just like to tell everyone that it can be done, you just need a great friend and lots of determination."